Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)

C You could hear the hoof beats pound as they raced across the ground, Am And the rattle of the wheels as they went 'round and 'round. F And he galloped into Market Street, his badge upon his chest, G C His name was Ernie, and he drove the fastest milk cart in the west. C Now Ernie loved a widow, a lady known as Sue, Am She lived all alone in Lily Lane at number 22. F They said she was too good for him, she was haughty, proud and chic, G C But Ernie had his cocoa there three times every week. C Am They called him Ernie, (Ernie), F G C And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west. C She said she'd like to bathe in milk, he said, "All right, sweetheart," Am And when he'd finished work that night he loaded up the cart. F He said, "D'you want it pasteurized? 'Cause pasteurized is best," G C She says, "Ernie, I'll be happy if it comes up to my chest." C Am That tickled old Ernie, (Ernie), F G C And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west. (Head 'em up! All right!) C Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man, Am Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van. F He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread, G C And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head. C He went on the make with his Dundee cake and he said, "If you treat me right, Am You'll have hot rolls every morning and crumpets every night." F He knew once she'd seen his macaroons he'd have his wicked way, G C And all Ernie had to offer was a pint of milk a day. C Am Poor Ernie, (Ernie), F G C And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west. C One lunch time Ted saw Ernie's horse and cart outside her door, Am It drove him mad to see it was still there at half past four. F And as he leapt down from his van hot blood through his veins did course, G C And he went across to Ernie's cart and didn't half kick his 'orse. C Am Whose name was Trigger, (Trigger), F G C And he pulled the fastest milk cart in the west. C Now Ernie ran out into the street with his gold top in his hand, Am He said, "If you wanna marry Susie you'll fight for her like a man." F "Oh why don't we play cards for her?" he sneeringly replied, G C "And just to make it interesting we'll have a shilling on the side." C Now Ernie dragged him from his van and beneath the blazing sun, Am They stood there face to face, and Ted went for his bun. F But Ernie was too quick for him, things didn't go the way Ted planned, G C And a strawberry-flavoured yogurt sent it spinning from his hand. C Now Sue, she came between them and she tried to keep them apart, Am And a three-day-old rock cake caught Ernie underneath the heart. F As he doubled up in agony, the concrete hardened crust G C Of a stale meat pie caught him in the eye and Ernie bit the dust. C Am Poor Ernie, (Ernie), F G C And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west. C Ernie was only 68, he didn't wanna die, Am Now he's gone to make deliveries in that milk round in the sky. F Where the customers are angels and ferocious dogs are banned, G C And a milkman's life is full of fun in that fairy, dairy land. C But a woman's needs are many fold and Sue, she married Ted, Am But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed. F Was that the rustle of the leaves? Or the creaking of the gate? G C Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their crate? C Am They won't forget Ernie, (Ernie), F G C And he drove the fastest milk cart in the west.